I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
