Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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