I just gift wrapped bread.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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