Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
