I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
