even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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