I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
