I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
