Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
