we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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