mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
