I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
