ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
