Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
