If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
