Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
