You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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