last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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