M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Sober January is a disaster.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
