I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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