Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
