Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
