it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
