Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
