I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
