then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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