im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
