winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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