Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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