how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
