He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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