i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
