The brown eye won't let me do that either.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
