I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
