I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
