The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
