please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
