I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You're like the curious george of whores
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
