I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
