My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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