either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
