New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
