As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
