just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
