Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
