if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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