he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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