It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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