Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
