I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
please come you make the beer taste better
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
