There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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