omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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