why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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